i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
