Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
