is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
