I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
