opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
