My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
