It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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