btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
