chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
