Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
