When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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