he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
