i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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