I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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