I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
