tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
