i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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