I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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