Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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