You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
