You can't motorboat a personality
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
