420 ftw
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
