mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
