I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
