Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
