This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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