I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
