I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
