Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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