she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You are the jesus of drinking
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
