i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
