I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
