1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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