i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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