This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The air was thick with penises
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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