watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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