I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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