You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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