I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
