When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
