There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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