Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i came on her dog
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
