I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
