You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
