I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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