Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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