I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
