you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
