I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The best revenge is premature balding
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Pants are for mortals
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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