I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
