yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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