I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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